That Nowhere Feeling

Almost 3 years since I was in the most beautiful place in the world </3 the space between then and now feels like some kind of rupture or scar. Looking back it feels so unreal to have travelled all over the globe, to have travelled at all // what a blessing.

new bedroom </3

Last lockdown felt like a necessary space for death n transformation but this time I feel suspended along multiple timelines that instead of staying linear travel in slow circles. Each loop I see versions of myself in various stages of change. Occasionally I catch glimpses of a place outside of this one but it travels on a different orbit to mine.

lately i’ve been thinking about the rigidity of social constructs and how shepherded we are by human behaviour. eg the way I dress and how much thought i put into it, not just in terms of style but in the way it conveys my values n perception of myself. clothing is an implicit language and carries so much meaning due to thousands of years of social exhibitionism, these meanings falter and redefine themselves daily and i cling to them.

living in this moment it feels like the absurdities of capitalism are about to fold in on themselves; a crumbling of ideals that will leave us blinded and baby-like and defenceless to the threat of our own species. i wonder at the thought of these constructs stripping slowly away from our bodies and what will be left behind. i wonder how freeing it would be to live in an infantile society; one in which languages were tied to the self and not ingrained into the fabric our clothes, our homes, our bodies.

we drove up into fire country to see the damage but instead became lost in a giant cloud, the gums moved like pale ghosts.

Apocalyptic // a city choking

 

I took a day off to do this makeup look and sit in the sun all day.

 

Post-Berghain night walks home as the sky blurs into day.

Lately I can feel my brain lulling back into a comatose as I grapple with uni and new work loads. I hate it lol. But also feeling like baby lil again one million ideas whirring in my head until I can’t hear anything outside of myself.

Realising i’m the only one in control of my own optimism, learning to discard the negativity of others and in myself as i begin working on new projects.