I’m trying to embody the jiggly on this Euro trip and blob along with the current. Before leaving I quit my job and a bunch of other things so it would be a good time for some self-realisations, but fuck it life doesn’t always make sense and I’m still so tired so we are blobbing for now.
It’s been five years since I was last here and once again I am struck by the way life moves in circles and at each realisation I feel less anxious at the fact we have no control over it. Time runs over me and through me even if I stay motionless, I just try not to notice it most of the time.
Last week I floated in cool ocean water off the coast of Croatia and felt warmth across my body and face and if I close my eyes, I can still feel the peace of not knowing or feeling anything around me. I don’t feel fear at being pulled under anymore but I am grateful that recently I have floated back to the surface again.
Anyway feeling better by feeling more / I’ve quit weed and nicotine and I’ve been having nightmares every night but they have been trying to get out for a while now, so it’s best just let it happen.
sad girl << goth girl
i like posting here cos it feels like an internet time capsule // a place that stays still when the rest of the online world is in this constant state of transformation and the timeline is so demanding. If i was still studying i’d try to make some kind of analysis about the exhaustion of consumer transmuting into product but i’m too tired for it lol. it’s so easy to get lost out there. I find it so easy to get lost in myself and in the esteem I hold in others. But then occasionally I come back here and read through old thoughts and I’m reminded to have curiosity and patience // that the world will keep changing but that is part of the beauty of it all
We lie under the same sky, watch it wrinkle and bruise like plums under a ripe sun.
We lie in your bed, the same bed that had once been ours. The bed you used to call from languidly
For tea and your babies.
Grey night shirt and the salty smell of your hair, crinkled against you.
Now – the smell, I don’t recognise.
Morphine and cloth worn too long, too close to the body.
Sweet-sick and clean.
I listen to the hum of your breath; a quiet rasp that dips and wavers.
I listen to the hum of your body, mother-warm and still,
a gentle tune, that has played since the very beginning.
Your body has unwoven, unwound.
Now it rests in the shadows of negative space.
Your voice is the same, just softened.
Like it’s coming from the depths of deep water.
When I close my eyes I find I can’t remember what it sounded like,
hike up to Waihee Ridge. We climbed through four ecosystems until we were above the clouds
I found an old roll of film in my bag w these pics of Japan, these are from January 2020, a world ago </3
I’ve been trying to write again after years of lethargy but my thoughts merge and mutate before I can catch hold of them. Right now my mind is filled with these phylum-like objects that were humans who achieved immortality of the flesh but little else. Their bodies are translucent like moon snail eggs and at nighttime they glow and jiggle like pale jellies.
I’ve been thinking about what it would be like if techs like Neuralink rapidly accelerated us into this human bot existence that moved past the attachment to the living body and its vulnerability to the steady violence of time. But what exactly is the part of us that can exist and thrive outside of a physical vessel? Being split from the manifestation of human existence into mind/body… this thought process seems so rudimentary lol, when my mind wanders too deeply I feel myself hitting against the walls of my own intelligence and ability to see a world outside of this one / a world outside my own comprehension of things.