We walked through silent forest in Snoqualmie until we could see snow-covered mountains and my fingers were numb.

Every time I visit America I can’t stop thinking about how dualistic it is as a place / concept / culture. I know I’m not the first person to say it and I have no great insight but it is so true and I get stuck thinking about it for hours. The people are so intuitively generous and spontaneous in their generosity that it catches me off-guard, but at the same time they collectively uphold and justify a deeply ungenerous social fabric that isolates and individualises them to the point they all exist in a semi-state of survival.

They are also immune to violence, in the movies they watch, in their schools and streets, in their drug crisis and in their foreign affairs, in a way that is so troubling and difficult to understand as an outsider. I think that immunity has come (at least for the people I know and their specific socio-cultural upbringing) from a place of trauma. They talk about the numerous friends and family they have lost to guns, suicide and fentanyl overdose in a way that is almost guarded against the enormity of admitting that the social system they live in is absurdly violent. Instead they mourn them as individuals and they grieve as individuals…

Anyway I hope no one reads this rambling also Snoqualmie is beautiful country and I whispered *vampire* into the forest as the snow fell silently around us and no birds sang. 

The last time I stayed in a fancy hotel I got locked out of my room naked at 4am and had to beg reception to check the licence on file wearing only a robe that a kind man lent to me in the hallway cos they thought I was a woman of the night and wanted to kick me out… lol.

I try not to regret anything in my past but in moments like this one I’m very grateful for sobriety and for growing older.

I try not to dwell too much on all my embarrassing moments but I do feel like large parts of my life I put on fast-forward because it was easier to disassociate than just sit with myself in my own skin. That part makes me sad that I can barely remember my early twenties. Oh well I’m here now and feeling very “awake” ༼ つ ◕_◕ ༽つ

I found this old film from a year ago ; the famous Chicago cityscape and its cloud buildings.

First day back at class today has me feeling like the last few years didn’t happen // like I stepped out of my life for a while and now I’m back and the same baby as before who is ready to study plants and trees.

It’s funny how sometimes a new job or relationship can consume you and make you think you’ve transformed into a completely different person. But then when it ends and those layers start to slowly fall away you realise none of that was actually you, you were just reflecting and you can finally let go of the exhaustion of hiding your own personality.

I always lose myself in other people and projects because I want everyone to love me // have abandonment issues but i’m gonna try to stay on path this time.

Jigglies </3

I’m trying to embody the jiggly on this Euro trip and blob along with the current. Before leaving I quit my job and a bunch of other things so it would be a good time for some self-realisations, but anyways life doesn’t make any sense and I’m still tired so we are blobbing for now.

It’s been five years since I was last here and once again I am struck by the way life moves in circles and at each realisation I feel less anxious at the fact we have no control over it. Time runs over me and through me even if I stay motionless, I just try not to notice it most of the time.

Last week I floated in cool ocean water off the coast of Croatia and felt warmth across my body and face and if I close my eyes, I can still feel the peace of not knowing or feeling anything around me. I don’t feel fear at being pulled under anymore but I am grateful that recently I have floated back to the surface again.

Anyway feeling better by feeling more / I’ve quit weed and nicotine and I’ve been having nightmares every night but they have been trying to get out for a while now, so it’s best just let it happen.

sad girl << goth girl

i like posting here cos it feels like an internet time capsule // a place that stays still when the rest of the online world is in this constant state of transformation and the timeline is so demanding. If i was still studying i’d try to make some kind of analysis about the exhaustion of consumer transmuting into product but i’m too tired for it lol. it’s so easy to get lost out there. I find it so easy to get lost in myself and in the esteem I hold in others. But then occasionally I come back here and read through old thoughts and I’m reminded to have curiosity and patience // that the world will keep changing but that is part of the beauty of it all

We lie under the same sky,
watch it wrinkle and
bruise like
plums under a ripe sun.
 
We lie in your bed,
the same bed that
had once been ours.
The bed you used to
call from languidly
 
For tea and your
babies.
 
Grey night shirt and
the salty smell
of your hair,
crinkled against you.
 
Now –
the smell,
I don’t recognise.
 
Morphine and cloth
worn too long, too
close to the body.
 
Sweet-sick and
clean.
 
I listen to the hum of
your breath; a quiet
rasp that dips
and wavers.
 
I listen to the hum
of your body,
mother-warm and
still,
 
a gentle tune,
that has played since
the very beginning.
 
Your body has unwoven,
unwound.
 
Now it rests
in the shadows of
negative space.
 
Your voice is the
same, just softened.
 
Like it’s coming 
from the depths
of deep water.
 
When I close my eyes
I find I can’t remember what
it sounded like,
 
before –