That Nowhere Feeling

Nowhere to look but out

// update on ethics of animal law // i went in feeling very much that having animal welfare/rights as any kind of priority is something exclusive to those with privilege – u need a level of financial/ economic/ social stability to expend energy on something ultimately ‘trivial’ in the scheme of human existence and suffering.

however…. this point of view turned out to be a  little self-serving in the end. the corporatisation of animal industries (very much a new phenomenon prioritised in the US and implemented in Australia in the last few decades) into a profit-hungry, capitalistic power-house that enshrines acts of cruelty as a way of existence is ultimately created by and for those same privileged individuals. The power structures that middle-class Westerners rely on both to uphold their own status and inflict suffering on others, are the same structures used to justify institutionalised cruelty towards animals.

so arguing that prioritising animal rights subtly implies a disregard of human rights is… true but not necessarily valuable. It takes away a sense of responsibility that ultimately rests on our shoulders. Tackling capitalist structures that are by nature harmful, with emphasis on ALL individuals and not allowing animals to take socio-political precedence, is a necessary responsibility for those positioned to do so.  Especially in a legal context, the current regime is an abject failure and not only harmful to our animal friends, but to ourselves and the moral dilemma it puts us in as individuals daily.

Hmmmm. Still conflicted and unsure of where from here, but of the view that unnecessary suffering is hard to justify, no matter how u look at it.

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good n i g h t

24/5

My permanent state right now is feverish physically n mentally, i want to be still but also kinda nice to have brain working over-time again.

i’ve been wondering how i can even consider myself anti-oppressive/ anti-patriarchal when i only speak up quietly… i never stick up for myself. i feel little flecks of mistreatment n misogyny chip off the surface and needle their way to my core. but then i remember kind words from my mother, activism can be just a thought held on to. acknowledging it quietly. i can resist by continuing to be.

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These tombstones are in a grown-over graveyard in Parramatta, and are some of the oldest in Sydney. The park is protected by council now as native herbs and reeds have taken it back . Seeing those tombs made me sad, not because their names have faded and grass now threatens to swallow them up, just the thought that we continue to mourn them at all.

When white Australian’s grieve it is always for someone else’s history, for some false thing that exists in the space between myth and memory. Why is it so hard to mourn our own violence? Still so unspoken and unacknowledged that it threatens to dissipate. I’ve been thinking about how the land must have a memory and that memory wouldn’t fade, not like the names that have faded long ago on those graves.

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weekly thoughts

weird body feels recently ~ reminding me of high school when i was an unhealthy brat but this time idk? i’ve been lethargic for months but no cause i can think of hmm. Also creeping realisation i probably need to see my psych again but i’m too scared to ask doc for another medicare plan and i can’t pay in full. Gonna push on.

Read about trauma and how a lack of love afterwards leaves the deepest scar ~ resounded with me. Slowly admitting that my heart still hurts. Told my closest friends about it for 1st time and it went ok but i still feel empty sometimes

i had a thought that i don’t feel old anymore, for a while i was sad because i could see my baby years fading away… into my real 20s now. Also back to feeling like a baby.