sad girl << goth girl

i like posting here cos it feels like an internet time capsule // a place that stays still when the rest of the online world is in this constant state of transformation and the timeline is so demanding. If i was still studying i’d try to make some kind of analysis about the exhaustion of consumer transmuting into product but i’m too tired for it lol. it’s so easy to get lost out there. I find it so easy to get lost in myself and in the esteem I hold in others. But then occasionally I come back here and read through old thoughts and I’m reminded to have curiosity and patience // that the world will keep changing but that is part of the beauty of it all

We lie under the same sky,
watch it wrinkle and
bruise like
plums under a ripe sun.
 
We lie in your bed,
the same bed that
had once been ours.
The bed you used to
call from languidly
 
For tea and your
babies.
 
Grey night shirt and
the salty smell
of your hair,
crinkled against you.
 
Now –
the smell,
I don’t recognise.
 
Morphine and cloth
worn too long, too
close to the body.
 
Sweet-sick and
clean.
 
I listen to the hum of
your breath; a quiet
rasp that dips
and wavers.
 
I listen to the hum
of your body,
mother-warm and
still,
 
a gentle tune,
that has played since
the very beginning.
 
Your body has unwoven,
unwound.
 
Now it rests
in the shadows of
negative space.
 
Your voice is the
same, just softened.
 
Like it’s coming 
from the depths
of deep water.
 
When I close my eyes
I find I can’t remember what
it sounded like,
 
before –

hike up to Waihee Ridge. We climbed through four ecosystems until we were above the clouds

I found an old roll of film in my bag w these pics of Japan, these are from January 2020, a world ago </3

I’ve been trying to write again after years of lethargy but my thoughts merge and mutate before I can catch hold of them. Right now my mind is filled with these phylum-like objects that were humans who achieved immortality of the flesh but little else. Their bodies are translucent like moon snail eggs and at nighttime they glow and jiggle like pale jellies.

I’ve been thinking about what it would be like if techs like Neuralink rapidly accelerated us into this human bot existence that moved past the attachment to the living body and its vulnerability to the steady violence of time. But what exactly is the part of us that can exist and thrive outside of a physical vessel? Being split from the manifestation of human existence into mind/body… this thought process seems so rudimentary lol, when my mind wanders too deeply I feel myself hitting against the walls of my own intelligence and ability to see a world outside of this one / a world outside my own comprehension of things.

Almost 3 years since I was in the most beautiful place in the world </3 the space between then and now feels like some kind of rupture or scar. Looking back it feels so unreal to have travelled all over the globe, to have travelled at all // what a blessing.