That Nowhere Feeling

I drove down to Callala Beach, the place Mum took us to as babies and the place that I think of, when I think of her as maybe still here somewhere.

For a while I’ve been feeling sadness drifting back over me  and I thought maybe it would help to go somewhere beautiful and confront it.

id forgotten how beautiful it was… pat and I took acid and the water swelled and rushed at the earth I could feel it through my whole body. I remembered how we would lie together at night and listen to the waves and she told us that it was the sound of the waves she always missed when it was time to leave.

time goes on and I don’t feel the sadness going anywhere. It just sits quietly inside me and sometimes I don’t feel it, some days I worry when I speak my throat will choke for no reason. Learning to make peace with it though.

some q’s i have…

why do we find it so much easier to forgive men than women?

why do we find it so much easier to forgive men than women?

why do we find it so much easier to forgive men than women?

why do we forgive them?

why do we keep on forgiving them?

soft and gentle hills and air stained with olive.

These trees reminded me of a book i read as a kid, about a boy who wanders away from home in to the heart of a forest. He gets chased by a monster of fire.

a rare pic of tipsy me n some sun-stained shots from Barcelona </3

today i heard some1 say “all we really have is our happiness and it’s the most important thing” and i wondered if this was really true… like i don’t think i’ve ever applied that logic in my own life..

I think happiness in a Western sense has come to equate to a kind of sententious life journey/finding of self that is designed pretty exclusively for rich people. i’ve been trying to discard this narrative from within me because honestly i think it’s poisonous.

Since I was little I’ve always wondered if i have de-centred that concept of “happiness”from myself and whether that was some kind of flaw. I mean I no longer see my being happy as some kind of priority. Ofc everyone wants to be “happy” and i do things that make me happy all the time, but i don’t invest in the actual emotion of “happy” because it won’t necessarily come to me even though i take steps that should lead there.

I don’t mean this in a negative way either.. but i do think of the elements of mental illness i’ve struggled with in the past and how they have worked on my brain. The people i feel most close to, and usually befriend, i think might have this same attitude. Kind of a distrust in the concept of happiness, a weariness that can affect their experience of things. Hmmmmm. i wonder what it would be like to have “happiness” as a priority that belied action! Weird thoughts.

Maybe i’m just too high and will read this later and think it’s silly…