That Nowhere Feeling

I remember lying on my old bedroom floor in the heat of last summer and thinking the year would hold nothing promising. Things that had structured my life were dissolving (relationship, peaceful family home, job, uni, etc -) and I didn’t think I had any energy to rebuild things.

I did get up though. I got employed three times and left twice and stayed at the last. I moved out with my best friends. I have a boyfriend who knows how much I like socks with cute images on them.

Leaving ’15 I no longer have a Mum, but I have a lot of friends and family who love me a lot, and who I love. I learnt sadness doesn’t make you strong, or more brave. But it does help you see the strength you already have.

I made lots of mistakes last year but I think things went better than planned, and I have good feelings for the future now; which I haven’t been able to imagine for a while. I think this year will be more sunny (^ . ^)

My camera broke because it had spider eggs in it (eeeeeep my bad) but now it is fixed! These are shitty but pretty kodak’s from NYE – a very hot and dusty holiday to Beyond the Valley where we lay under tarps all day drinking goon because #Straya and danced all night when it cooled down. Good memories ❤

This is just a theory but maybe humans were deliberately put on earth with a little destructive part in our brain that needs to destroy everything by multiplying billions of times and using up all the resources. Like maybe this is a deliberate act of the Earth’s equilibrium so that as a planet we can phase in to a new climate and create new life forms. And to do that we need to heat everything up and basically all die and bring down lots of beautiful species too.

Idk imagine if we could collectively recognise this and change the course of history by reversing global warming the universe might somehow reward us by turning into a super-species. But yeah climate change is fucked hey this heat tho i’m dying ~~(^..)^

When I finish work at 3am ‘(^ d ^)’ I come home, eat toast lying on the floor and think about how I am going to disappear

Hmmmmmm the link between access to privilege and residual guilt.

The other day I got into an argument about //privilege// being insidious and invisible with someone who is very intelligent but blind to the power structures they benefit from. I got so sad and nervous I couldn’t properly communicate my anger. They saw it as a good-humoured argument but all I could see was the affirmation of years of subtle, subliminal hate and violent thoughts that might not in the moment be actively voiced but still exist and still need to be destroyed.

If the guilt you feel for occupying multiple spheres of power pushes you to defend those power structures or WORSE try and argue that you are indeed too, a victim at the hand of others (in this case victimised for your whiteness ~ cry me a fkn river ~) then you’re not merely expressing an opinion, you’re literally working against the emancipation and freedom of others. Anyway it made me really sad and angry for muliple days in a row, but at least the sunset was pretty todayy.